Been doing autism research

Hrrmmm. I don't know what got me started thinking autism might be my neurological problem. But, it's been in the last 6 months. Well, a month ago, I really started researching it. It fits me so much. All the things about me that aren't "normal", in my head I compartmentalized as an alter. And, so, not me. But, I'm beginning to see it was me all along.

Am I in denial? Probably. I do know I'd rather be autistic than multiple. My parents are still narcissists, and they were still abusive. I've been reminding myself of that a lot.
My dad still could've been sexually abusive, but I really don't want to believe that. I actually have no memory of it.

So, I'm going to get a referral next week. And, then it will be more waiting.

Tired

I want to hurt myself. Funny how my mood went from "okay" to "crushingly depressed" in 15 mins. I was reminded of how different I am from everybody, til forever. I don't want to live that way. That's no way TO live. Why can't I just die? Nobody important will miss me. I'm so so tired. I just want to be done with it. WHY DID THEY GIVE ME LIFE PUNISHMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So, why can't I choose to end my life. Get the fucker over with. Why do I have to prolong this torture?!?!?!?!?!

This really isn't helping. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Asking why why why does not help, yet it's all I can do. I've told my story so many times. People just say live with it. Except I can't. I'd rather die than live with it.
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So, I just talked to someone IRL. I don't feel great, but I can hang on til tomorrow. Tomorrow is anothah day! Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.

Feel like a yo-yo

We read through our digital journal, and wow, we have made so much progress. There are days when I'm depressed, and feel I haven't moved at all. Then there are days when I feel okay. But, going through the whole thing made me realize how awesome it's been. I've done it twice; the encouragement made me feel so much better.

We're just starting to scrape the surface of our programming. But, it seems to be true, your system will let you know what your next step is. Maybe I'm just talking out of my ass here. But, it just occurred to me that it seems easier without a therapist. In some ways. I'm just a part saying my piece. But, it's nice going at your own pace. And, having your inner wisdom tell you where to go next.

That's fair enough. To others of us, we like someone else guiding us.

Well, get over it.

I will! Lmao

Toooooo funny for non-DID people.
Now that I'm done arguing with myself.......
I'm outta here!!!!!!

Starting on programming. I think.

It's strange to us that it would seem so mundane. What's come up first are things like self-sabotaging. I supose it makes sense. If it was way creepier, we would just shut it down.

We had a recent sleep study, and that was very specific and creepy. The wires on our face and over our ears felt like straps, and it was so horrible. We didn't know what, where, or when. We would have preferred that, actually. Having just a body memory with no other information to go with it was so bad. We had a night terror that night. So, trying to be a grownup, and forcing myself to endure it didn't do any good. Well, I feel I did it for nothing because I didn't get anything helpful from going through it.

Haven't updated in a while

We got to a point where we were able to admit we were only dialoguing and blogging after we had taken our night pills. So, we have started talking to each other during the day and sober. Maybe it would be obvious. But. We were taught to fear and mistrust each other. It really is weird giving voice to thoughts that are not your own.

Mentioned meeting a survivor

Not that anyone cares, really. But, in one of my entries I mentined meeting a survivor, and my thinking was obviously buggered up. That person was a YouTuber, and I emailed them a few times. I did catch myself and stopped it. I hate it when programming makes you do something before you can stop it. I really don't know if this person is bogus, but I started to get that feeling.

bleh

I am having a crappy week, and it's only Tuesday (night). At least, when I wake up, the week will be half over.

It's not me that's upset. I think. On Monday, our feelings were hurt, we missed therapy, we weren't able to go to the store, and we felt nobody cared. Somebody got sulky and resentful. I guess a teen reaction.

We appreciate that you're here. Welcome. 😎  [was meant for a new part, but I think it's an old part]

Yeah, my........i lost it.
My pills are kiiiiiickiiiiilngINNNNN
Let's talk again soon.

Insomniac part

[erased or left blank]

...

We are flummoxed. After some inner work, our fronter from 8 years ago has surfaced. We've always wondered what happened to our main fronter when a new one is created. We didn't know if they remained an individual, or like clumped into a ball with the ones before. We're not sure at all what to do. There is a reason for it, I wish I knew what it was. Compared to the last several years, our head is quiet. But, I can feel stuff going on behind walls. There's still something there. I just hope they give me a little rest. I have taken my pills, and I cannot wait to sleeeep!

Land of a 1000 Dances

Well, we've been doing a lot of work on our digital journal. A lot of parts work. Today, we found the part who had the repetitive thought loop for the last few years. We asked him to put it away, and he did. The head is so much quieter, the body is more relaxed, and we are less depressed than we were. I am so tired, though.

We've been doing an awful lot of whining the last few months. I was aware of that. We were also doing it IRL. I'm hoping that it will lessen.

My head hurts. There's also mumbling going on, so hopefully, we can handle it okay.

Little altars everywhere....

Good book....

We have alters coming out every couple of days. I guess I could get a book online about working with alters yourself. I know you need a therapist. We have a generic therapist. And, not a hope in hell of finding a trauma specialist in a town of 15,000 people. This town has access to psychiatrists with vidcams.

Behind door number 1?? Insomnia!!!!

Damn addiction!!!!!!!! I didn't take a muscle relaxer tonight, and I can't sleep. I'm a little tired, but not sleepy yet. I don't know if I'll break down and take one.

[edit :
Fuck it, we took one! We also found a part who was keeping us awake. Don't know what we're going to do to help her.]

3 nights of muscle relaxers

I've had muscle relaxers after my night meds for 3 nights now. Life is so hard without a happy pill. 🙁

Offline journal

We downloaded an offline journal for work that's more private. We've started using it, and so far, it's going OK. There's a lot of denial going on. But, I'm trying to just gently ignore it. We do feel like more of a system than in the last 8 years. I'm hoping we can continue going this way.

We have an inkling

Well, I met another survivor online. (.........???????...........) Having trouble staying focused. I watched about 10 seconds of a video that she said wasn't for survivors. I cut it off really fast, but something kicked off.

Now not having coherent thought.

What I wanted to talk about was something about programming.

So, how to get past this? She called it scrambling. My thoughts certainly are.

My thoughts about being a felon have been rigid and irrational. That was it. She said programming is rigid and irrational. Nobody can talk you out of it. You can't talk yourself out of it. So, if you can't rationalize with them, you need to get around them. But, how? And, without a decent therapist? She suggested mindfulness. I think we got scared off mindfulness. Like we got scared away from each other. We got scared away from meditation a long time ago. Every meditation attempt ended up with something freaky and out of control happening. Okay, I have to go take my meds, have a smoke, and calm down. And, ask somebody to make sure nothing happens tonight?

Don't know where to go

I have built the basis for our inner world. I don't know what to do next. It seems parts are using it. I don't know how.

I've been losing time, and it's weird. I don't do anything during the day. Why do parts come out?

Smoking again

I'm not exactly proud of it, but I've started smoking a few cigarettes a day. My isolating was getting so bad, I needed an excuse to be around people, and I was always a social smoker. It has helped me get outside, and around people. One thing I didn't count on was we've been using it to cope, too. I just had one of my unbearable moments, and I knew I needed to get out of my head, so I had a smoke. So, it went from unbearable to bad, but it did help. My lungs are protesting, though. And, last night, when I couldn't sleep, I had two cigarettes.

I'm hoping it stays at a couple a day. I like:
-having extra money
-being able to breathe
-not being anxious all the time

[edit: It has helped a tad. Maybe to put a goal on it. When I get comfortable being with people again, I quit.]

Trying something new

We have been afraid to do parts work because we're petrified of being accessed. The last time it happened, it did not go well. Monstrously, to the nth degree.

I feel like none of this real, and I'm making it up. But, my brain is a bit lighter. It is exhausting, so I'm going to try to take it slow.

I'm not sleepy. Stuff has got stirred up, and I'm restless.

Built the start of an inner world

I thought I had started building an inner world 8years ago. But, it never felt solid, and we never used it.
Well, we've been building a basis for an inner world for the last few days. We finished it today. The mind feels much more solid now. Like there's a foundation. A conference room, or even a meeting room, was too triggering for us, so we made a meeting deck, instead. Heck, I say make a meeting tree house, if you have to. Little's could have one, anyway.
Using the meeting deck is going to be harder. Everybody is petrified of communicating with each other. They're also scared of making themselves known.

Besides that, still the same.

mashed potatoes

Well, I did make a few calls today. They were really discouraging, and my therapy session was crap. But, I do have some commitment to the idea. My therapist did give me an idea on where to look for resources in ------. I decided on --------- because she/mom would only help me move if I went there. I so do not want to be closer to her/mom. Big con.

But some pros:
--there's a hospital with a trauma unit in -----
--there are a lot of housing options in a big city
--more mental health agencies, and more treatment centers

I did make some changes yesterday and today. After skipping 3 meals for three days and only eating ramen noodles, I downloaded a calorie counter, so I could eat different food, and log it. And, come out of my room regularly. I quit smoking 3 years ago, and last week I'd started thinking I'd start smoking again. Not a lot. But, I was always a social smoker. Getting out of my room once in a while, interacting with people a little. These aren't really healthy, but neither is isolating to the point of insanity.

I had some blackouts today. They really scare me. Funny. I did work with a DID T for a while, but the skills I learned from her are pretty much gone. I guess I got the message that practicing those skills had dire consequences.

I did take a muscle relaxer at 4 because my day was crap.

I kind of blew over it, but my anorexia kicked on over the weekend.

Mishmash

I'm thinking about changing facilities. I guess the real test is tomorrow, and if I make a phone call or not. I am tired of being depressed and feeling defeated. And, as much as I want other people to do it for me, they're not going to. I am so sick of myself. I said I hated addiction. There's a part of me that doesn't. Well, duh. I'm probably being negligent not finding out who that part is and working with them. Honestly, I don't feel I'm in a safe environment for parts work. I know Jason feels that way. And so we come back around to the issue of moving. There are gigantic thought loops in my brain. And, then I just want to numb out. ACK! I want a smurf hat! 

[ edit: Well, I am not moving. The thought of living closer to my mother made me feel worse. ]

Had a muscle relaxer

My neck was hurting, and so I took one at 4 pm. I took an Ambien a little while ago, and my brain is a  little loose-y. I truly hate insomnia and depression and addiction. I also hate smurf hats. Will I ever have anything interesting to talk about again????????

Gopjt Trazadone.

I got Trazadone to take with Ambien. My brain is wiggling around like jello. I'm feeling stoned. I guess I should just enjoy feeling brain loose-y.

Took a muscle relaxer

I took a muscle relaxer at 2:30 this afternoon. I had a massively bad day. My worker was no help in helping me figure out the rest of my life. I had to go to the court house. I was feeling some pain. So, I took one when I got home. Did some YouTube, did some depressed.

I took my sleeping pill a half hour ago. I feel a little loose-y brain, which is nice.

I see a sleep doctor tomorrow. Hopefully, I can get a new sleeping pill.

No muscle relaxers

It's been a week or so without muscle relaxers. I really hate it. I'm wishing for numbing all the time. I really don't care with what. I can't even re-focus. Or I think I can't. With a felony, my options are limited. I had neurological limits before this. So, I feel as if I have no options. Or, maybe I just have the wrong attitude. But, the professionals I work with are not helping me think outside the box. So, I'm just left to circle the drain. I do feel like I'm just existing until I die and get it over with. I hate my life.

Insomnia, Again

I've been lying here for an hour. I hate just laying here with the racing thoughts. I hate lying here not knowing if I'm going to get sleepy. I'm getting a bit of a buzz now. I'm so tired of my brain. Bold it is my Bambina.

Done visiting with my mom

So, I spent the last 2 days with my mom. I feel a little guilty that I'm so relieved it's over. I wasn't miserable. I tried to be aware, and she was passive aggressive at times, and really subtle at being domineering. But, I really tried to focus on my own attitude. I wasn't happy, and it was difficult to find things to talk about. But, overall, it was okay.

I was actually starting to relax, and somebody came pounding on the door. Wrong door, too. Is God just laughing at me?

I throw pebbles

I'm getting tired, and I feel a little buzz.

Don't know

Errrr......not really coherent.

Face splat.   ----->  But still not asleep!!
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Again.....what???!!! Hmmmmmm. It's been a few days with no muscle relaxer. Should I be worried? Maybe this is a part who comes out right before I fall asleep? I really don't know.

Dissociated

Mom's coming tomorrow. I can feel us going up into our head. Physically, we used to be way up in the head. I can tell over the last few years we've gotten grounded a little bit. I suppose that makes no sense to people who don't experience it. We're feeling a little dismayed at protecting ourselves this much. I hate her for being this way.

Insomnia, three

I hate insomnia!!!!!! I hate it!!!!!!!!! I think my pills are finally kicking in. Pills are always good. 🐭🐶🐩🐱

My mother

Our mother is coming this week for our birthday. All I've been thinking about is when she came last year. And, how much I hated her the whole time. But, loved her, too. Anyway, I blamed myself for how much I hated her and how miserable I was. She wanted me to blame myself.

I went to group today, not therapy. I spoke in general terms to people who really do not understand my relationship with her. But, I think the leader did understand.

I got to thinking that she purposely made me miserable. I don't even know how. She just does. Am I ever going to know how to respond to her when I see her????? I accept that I can never relax around her. But, if she's always going to counter with something totally new...what do I do!!!!!

Argh. I hate that woman.

Jason is triggered

Jason wants to kick someone's ass. There are three people who live here that really do deserve an ass kicking. He wants to protect us. Thank you, Jason, I do appreciate it. I haven't felt triggered like this in a long time. Fear triggers anger. But, fear of what? I'm not a little girl, anymore. But, you know, in this specific situation, I feel like I am. I think people using size as intimidation is what it is. Hmmmmmm. I say this really not meaning to be demeaning... By size I mean fat.
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I'm feeling better. Jason is not as upset. He has protected us in the past. We're grateful he's still here. Thanks, man.
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Fuck man. I am so pissed off. Well not so much at the moment. (pills) I hate the situation we're in. All these fucking people. Unsafe people. How am I supposed to protect if I can't kick ass? Well I kick ass by being scary. Still I can't do my job. I don't know how to tell who's okay, so I tell them to stay away from everyone. Fuck!

Does anyone care?

We feel if there were comments, and that people were judging, we wouldn't be as candid. Yet, we're wondering if anyone cares. So totally dumb. Depression talking, I guess. I do not feel heard IRL. Yet, I work really hard at it. I don't want to be heard. Someone tell me why I do this bizarre shit. I am tired of it, yet I do it. And, I talk in circles when I want to explain it.

[This will push it up to the top. I had comments turned off, and I just turned them on. I think it was what I needed, though!]

No muscle relaxer

Tonight is the first night in 3 years that I haven't had a muscle relaxer. Easing into it with vistaril has helped a lot.

Trigger date

I am afraid of him. I'm afraid he can make my life more miserable than it already is. Damn him. Asshole. Today is a trigger date of something that he did. I'm afraid to say what "it" is. For the last month or so, my depression has gradually gotten worse. This weekend, I was in bed, on YouTube. Hopefully, I can start climbing out of the depression.

He hurt me very bad. Nobody should treat their child like that.

Insomnia, Too

Withdrawing from pills really sucks. I hate lying here and lying here. And lying here. Probably the worst thing about insomnia. Getting a little buzz before bed helps you not think about how much you hate to sleep. I'm starting to yawn, but no buzz.

Everyone sucks

I'm going to generalize because it's awful lonely being the only one who sucks. I don't know how to talk to people anymore. I'm a felon. My life is over. Maybe it's a wrong attitude, but it's how I feel. Who wants to talk to a felon? Who cares what my opinions are? Who cares what I like or dislike? It doesn't matter anymore.

(Nobody wants to be friends with a bad element. Can't be in a good social class as a felon. The ladies would whisper and laugh.)

I'm used to being lower class than my parents because of disability. But, I was never a criminal. That's pretty low to them. And, now, I am.
Why not be part of it? Because I'm scared of it. I'm afraid of the people, that they'll hurt me. I have no interest in criminal behavior, anyway.

So tired...

I am so tired today. Depressed some. But really tired. I feel like I'm crashing after finding this blog. I'm not getting consistent therapy lately. And that's not my choice. I could bring up the topic of did with her. Trauma has already been talked about generally. She might validate it, she might not. If she didn't, I wouldn't have a lot of other options. Story of my life lately. Jesus, I just have little to no option. In anything.

Insomnia 2

I hate going to bed. Hate hate hate it. As long as I can remember, my mind just races. Voices? I don't know. I really don't. They seem like thoughts. But, they're really loud. My mind is so loud at night. I can not stand quiet, at any time really, but especially at night. Silence is deafening.

Ever since I got my first radio, at age 10, I've needed the sound of outside voices to fall asleep. (It doesn't make me fall asleep faster...) It gives my brain something to focus on.

System name?

Probably no one will notice...

But, it's been bugging us. I started this blog with the system name Chaotic Darkness. When I first did some editing, I changed to our new one Rainbow Hopes. It didn't feel right. I just changed it back to Chaotic Darkness. Changing it to something else felt invalidating to the person I was 8 years ago.

About trigger warnings

I'm not going to use trigger warnings on this blog, because I didn't start off with them. Someone commented recently, when I posted about this blog, that they liked raw honesty sometimes. I was looking for raw honesty at one point, too, I think.

[During my 2 years of trauma work, I think my raw honesty got noticed by the wrong person.]

But, I'm living in a state facility. I don't have much worse off to go. Besides, right now, the only thing I can do is bitch about my life. No new memories are surfacing. So, who gives a fuck?

I can promise internet readers that I won't publicly moan about about how crappy I feel, then go hurt myself. I might publicly bitch, but I won't do anything. I know how helpless it feels to think someone's in trouble and not able to do anything.
I don't promise lightly.

Depressed

I am so fucking depressed. I've just been going over and over, since yesterday, how mad and how fired up I was 8 years ago, and how I've turned all that rage onto myself. I'm a wisp of that person. I don't deserve to live. I've let him grind me down. I can't stand myself anymore. I have a permanent smear on my legal record. He should have it. But I do. My stomach is just roiling right now. I do get soooo mad thinking about it. But there's nothing I can do about it. Except kick myself. Over and over. Over and over.

Insomnia

Just checking to see if I can save drafts offline. I'm also waiting for my sleeping pills to kick in after an unexpected stressful evening. I'm trying to wiggle my pills around, too, around my toes.  Never mind. My pills, man. So, insomnia's been an issue more the last few days. I'm trying to stop a dependence on a pill that I was using to help me sleep. I can definitely feel a difference. I don't like it too much.
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What????!! I am so weird at night.
--------------
It makes more sense now than it did this morning. Ambien seems to funkify my head. That's not the pill I was talking about. Maybe it should be...later.

Alters can do ANYTHING internally

I was watching a video (I don't know how to link videos...), but, it got onto the topic of what fronters have to do on the outside. And, oh my God, fronters have so much responsibility and only 24 hours in real time. but, time and space have no meaning in the inner world. So, if you want to skateboard, make miles and miles of cement... It's your head! (I have no idea why I thought of that example.) You want to spend hours on social media, create your own in the inner world. Alters don't have to sleep in the inner world. There are tons and tons of things, and alters aren't limited in the inner world. Have a ball!

Don't like the term host

My DID T did not like the term host. She said it implied that part was not equal with the rest of the system. Like the host of a party always has separate rules, no matter what kind of party. We like the term fronting better. We don't even know if our main fronter(s) have a name. There have been several, they seem very fluid. As our life circumstances change, the main fronter adapts to the situation. I don't know what happens to the previous one(s). My feeling is they merge into a blob. Well, like a blob. Not a blob. Hmmmmmm  
Anyway, they answer to the birth name, but they've never said they had no name, or didn't want one. They've never said they did want one, either.

We want to make a list

I want to list whoever's willing to be named right now.

Kathryn - ageless, inner self helper
Nicky - 25, caretaker
Isis - ageless, watcher, gatekeeper
Kerry - 15 to 17
Crystal - 8
Amber - 8
Renee
Watcher - ageless, gatekeeper
Ciara - 23, manager
Jason - 28, protector, holds rage
Kiara - 8
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We have a bunch of 5-year-olds that are dormant right now
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Two wolves and a litter of pups
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Not many want to be revealed.....
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Oh wow...

I forgot all about this. I guess that's kind of the point of DID....  It's amazing it's still up. So much anger and hate. I'm guessing it's still there, it's just been turned on ourself. We feel like the bastard did win. We finally said no for good -- he was able to use a psychotic break against us. Eight years later, we have an electronic shackle for life, he gets to do whatever the fuck he wants until he dies.

We start blaming each other and pushing each other away after that. Well, the blaming starts after the psychotic break. Three years later, when the parents turn us in, and we lose our whole life, that's when we really start pushing each other away.

We really needed each other. But, we were alone in a completely foreign environment with no idea how to advocate for ourself. We did what we had learned, and coped alone.

I'm zoning out completely, thinking how weird I am. I have held all this in as a deep dark secret IRL for eight years. I stumble on this, probably not-quite-by-accident. Somebody knew about it somewhere. But, I kind of get brain-blasted by my own past. So, I spill my dark secret to the internet because I figure they must know me already. Or something. Like, I've already raged like a wild person, this is nothing. I am so weird.

But...I do have a bit more compassion for myself. For the first time, I'm seeing that I was doing what my life had taught me.

I think I need to process for a bit. It does feel like a knot is unclenching in my heart.