tired and finding humor this morning

[originally posted in 2010]

I was just reading a post somebody made on a board we're on.  We don't want to make light of the way any survivor grew up.  I'm sure it was humiliating for them.  Our upbringing was humiliating for us.  I wouldn't want someone poking fun at my childhood...

[edit: I found the imagery of an abuser doing something embarrassing really funny.]

[edit: I took a few sentences out. 7/22/18]

--
"Everything I do is better than the things I haven't done."  --Nicholas Brendon

Roxanna's memory

We have a part named Roxanna.  She, along with several other parts, were biologically alive, but otherwise they had given up in mind and spirit.  That rat-faced dickhead ass-munch traumatized these parts SO much that they had given up. 

Try to imagine if all the rest of us had given up, and you'll come close to the RAGE that we felt/feel.  The incredible despair, grief, and aching loneliness, as well.

Roxanna's story....
It was summertime.  We were 9 years old.  We were playing in our room.  He burst into our room, raging mad.  Maybe Roxanna was the part who had been dealing with the rapes, at that point.  We're not sure, but she did say it happened to her before.  Roxanna said he wasn't angry at anything to do with us.  He told her to take her clothes off and get on the bed.  The bed was on the west wall. 

The bastard raped Roxanna over and over and over and over and over.  Without stopping.  WITHOUT STOPPING!!!!!! 

DO YOU HEAR THAT???!!!!

WITHOUT STOPPING!!!!

She eventually couldn't take it anymore, and just went catatonic.

Luckily, our therapist (TK), does have a method for learning the stories of extremely wounded ones, healing and restoring them.

Roxanna is now with the other kids, that we know, in the system.  She's able to play, color, sleep, do anything she wants.

Fuckface.

response to mem we had on June 7

We got a horrible memory Monday... Not RA, but the father was so so so violent with one of us. She had given up in mind and body. And, there are others of us who have given up that way. Our T has a way for us to learn their stories and heal them....restore them.

The rage, the sadness, the aching hurt that came up. God, it's soooooo awful!!!! Horrible, terrifying; pick a word...I don't have a word bad enough. 

We wanted to hurt us so much....because we wanted to hurt HIM; and we knew we couldn't. The only person available to hurt was us. But then, one of us had the idea of using a doll to represent the dad, and we would use pins to hurt the doll -- thus, hurt the dad.
We did that tonite (June 9).

WE HURT THE DAD!!!!!!!!!

Oh, man. The sweet satisfaction of finally hurting that son of a bitch. We loved every minute of it.

If he hurt at all while we were doing it, we're not going to cry about it.

That was a few hours ago, and we're still jazzed. We've got a lot of energy.

We probably shouldn't have done it right before bed.  But, we started it, left it; and we were afraid we would never finish it, so we worked on it before bed.

We're not saying at all that we recommend this to anyone. It just worked for us.

Ahhhrnold S. is such a dork!!!!!!!

[originally posted in 2010

I was kind of neutral about him as a politician. I thought it was a dumb ass move because he will forever be Conan the Barbarian. Who could take him seriously?? I guess that's why I thought it was so funny. 7/18]

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!

"I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman"!!!!!  I wonder if he was even THINKING when he said that!!!!!!!

ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL
LMAO LMAO LMAO LMAO LMAO

That bastard will not win

We've found more and more alters who were loyal to the father.  They felt really bad about what was happening.  Most of them were terrified of him.  Some of them were created to have the hope he would eventually love them/us.  --It was the only way we could live in the same house with that man.-- 

We went to a survivor's support group on June 1.  I'm sure the fact that the first meeting was on a 1st was no accident.  Gives us hope that we WILL overcome the bastard. 

Yesterday, we discovered several parts who were "broken" by him.  Emotionally and spiritually.  I think that's also a reason we were struggling with saying no to him. 
They didn't even have despair....it was much worse and deeper than that.  But, if only to put a word on it.....their despair, unconsciously, affected the rest of us.  It was like, "Why freaking bother if he's THAT BAD????" 

But, we've taken them back.  We've taken our own back.  And, whatever else is in there that we don't know about, yet.  We will take THEM back, as well. 

YOU GODDAMN FUCKFACE!!!!  YOU WILL NOT BEAT US!!!!  YOU WILL NOT WIN!!!!

--
"Everything I do is better than the things I haven't done."  --Nicholas Brendon