Tired

I want to hurt myself. Funny how my mood went from "okay" to "crushingly depressed" in 15 mins. I was reminded of how different I am from everybody, til forever. I don't want to live that way. That's no way TO live. Why can't I just die? Nobody important will miss me. I'm so so tired. I just want to be done with it. WHY DID THEY GIVE ME LIFE PUNISHMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So, why can't I choose to end my life. Get the fucker over with. Why do I have to prolong this torture?!?!?!?!?!

This really isn't helping. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Asking why why why does not help, yet it's all I can do. I've told my story so many times. People just say live with it. Except I can't. I'd rather die than live with it.
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So, I just talked to someone IRL. I don't feel great, but I can hang on til tomorrow. Tomorrow is anothah day! Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.

Feel like a yo-yo

We read through our digital journal, and wow, we have made so much progress. There are days when I'm depressed, and feel I haven't moved at all. Then there are days when I feel okay. But, going through the whole thing made me realize how awesome it's been. I've done it twice; the encouragement made me feel so much better.

We're just starting to scrape the surface of our programming. But, it seems to be true, your system will let you know what your next step is. Maybe I'm just talking out of my ass here. But, it just occurred to me that it seems easier without a therapist. In some ways. I'm just a part saying my piece. But, it's nice going at your own pace. And, having your inner wisdom tell you where to go next.

That's fair enough. To others of us, we like someone else guiding us.

Well, get over it.

I will! Lmao

Toooooo funny for non-DID people.
Now that I'm done arguing with myself.......
I'm outta here!!!!!!

Starting on programming. I think.

It's strange to us that it would seem so mundane. What's come up first are things like self-sabotaging. I supose it makes sense. If it was way creepier, we would just shut it down.

We had a recent sleep study, and that was very specific and creepy. The wires on our face and over our ears felt like straps, and it was so horrible. We didn't know what, where, or when. We would have preferred that, actually. Having just a body memory with no other information to go with it was so bad. We had a night terror that night. So, trying to be a grownup, and forcing myself to endure it didn't do any good. Well, I feel I did it for nothing because I didn't get anything helpful from going through it.

Haven't updated in a while

We got to a point where we were able to admit we were only dialoguing and blogging after we had taken our night pills. So, we have started talking to each other during the day and sober. Maybe it would be obvious. But. We were taught to fear and mistrust each other. It really is weird giving voice to thoughts that are not your own.

Mentioned meeting a survivor

Not that anyone cares, really. But, in one of my entries I mentined meeting a survivor, and my thinking was obviously buggered up. That person was a YouTuber, and I emailed them a few times. I did catch myself and stopped it. I hate it when programming makes you do something before you can stop it. I really don't know if this person is bogus, but I started to get that feeling.