Insomnia, Too

Withdrawing from pills really sucks. I hate lying here and lying here. And lying here. Probably the worst thing about insomnia. Getting a little buzz before bed helps you not think about how much you hate to sleep. I'm starting to yawn, but no buzz.

Everyone sucks

I'm going to generalize because it's awful lonely being the only one who sucks. I don't know how to talk to people anymore. I'm a felon. My life is over. Maybe it's a wrong attitude, but it's how I feel. Who wants to talk to a felon? Who cares what my opinions are? Who cares what I like or dislike? It doesn't matter anymore.

(Nobody wants to be friends with a bad element. Can't be in a good social class as a felon. The ladies would whisper and laugh.)

I'm used to being lower class than my parents because of disability. But, I was never a criminal. That's pretty low to them. And, now, I am.
Why not be part of it? Because I'm scared of it. I'm afraid of the people, that they'll hurt me. I have no interest in criminal behavior, anyway.

So tired...

I am so tired today. Depressed some. But really tired. I feel like I'm crashing after finding this blog. I'm not getting consistent therapy lately. And that's not my choice. I could bring up the topic of did with her. Trauma has already been talked about generally. She might validate it, she might not. If she didn't, I wouldn't have a lot of other options. Story of my life lately. Jesus, I just have little to no option. In anything.

Insomnia 2

I hate going to bed. Hate hate hate it. As long as I can remember, my mind just races. Voices? I don't know. I really don't. They seem like thoughts. But, they're really loud. My mind is so loud at night. I can not stand quiet, at any time really, but especially at night. Silence is deafening.

Ever since I got my first radio, at age 10, I've needed the sound of outside voices to fall asleep. (It doesn't make me fall asleep faster...) It gives my brain something to focus on.

System name?

Probably no one will notice...

But, it's been bugging us. I started this blog with the system name Chaotic Darkness. When I first did some editing, I changed to our new one Rainbow Hopes. It didn't feel right. I just changed it back to Chaotic Darkness. Changing it to something else felt invalidating to the person I was 8 years ago.

About trigger warnings

I'm not going to use trigger warnings on this blog, because I didn't start off with them. Someone commented recently, when I posted about this blog, that they liked raw honesty sometimes. I was looking for raw honesty at one point, too, I think.

[During my 2 years of trauma work, I think my raw honesty got noticed by the wrong person.]

But, I'm living in a state facility. I don't have much worse off to go. Besides, right now, the only thing I can do is bitch about my life. No new memories are surfacing. So, who gives a fuck?

I can promise internet readers that I won't publicly moan about about how crappy I feel, then go hurt myself. I might publicly bitch, but I won't do anything. I know how helpless it feels to think someone's in trouble and not able to do anything.
I don't promise lightly.

Depressed

I am so fucking depressed. I've just been going over and over, since yesterday, how mad and how fired up I was 8 years ago, and how I've turned all that rage onto myself. I'm a wisp of that person. I don't deserve to live. I've let him grind me down. I can't stand myself anymore. I have a permanent smear on my legal record. He should have it. But I do. My stomach is just roiling right now. I do get soooo mad thinking about it. But there's nothing I can do about it. Except kick myself. Over and over. Over and over.

Insomnia

Just checking to see if I can save drafts offline. I'm also waiting for my sleeping pills to kick in after an unexpected stressful evening. I'm trying to wiggle my pills around, too, around my toes.  Never mind. My pills, man. So, insomnia's been an issue more the last few days. I'm trying to stop a dependence on a pill that I was using to help me sleep. I can definitely feel a difference. I don't like it too much.
---------------
What????!! I am so weird at night.
--------------
It makes more sense now than it did this morning. Ambien seems to funkify my head. That's not the pill I was talking about. Maybe it should be...later.

Alters can do ANYTHING internally

I was watching a video (I don't know how to link videos...), but, it got onto the topic of what fronters have to do on the outside. And, oh my God, fronters have so much responsibility and only 24 hours in real time. but, time and space have no meaning in the inner world. So, if you want to skateboard, make miles and miles of cement... It's your head! (I have no idea why I thought of that example.) You want to spend hours on social media, create your own in the inner world. Alters don't have to sleep in the inner world. There are tons and tons of things, and alters aren't limited in the inner world. Have a ball!

Don't like the term host

My DID T did not like the term host. She said it implied that part was not equal with the rest of the system. Like the host of a party always has separate rules, no matter what kind of party. We like the term fronting better. We don't even know if our main fronter(s) have a name. There have been several, they seem very fluid. As our life circumstances change, the main fronter adapts to the situation. I don't know what happens to the previous one(s). My feeling is they merge into a blob. Well, like a blob. Not a blob. Hmmmmmm  
Anyway, they answer to the birth name, but they've never said they had no name, or didn't want one. They've never said they did want one, either.

We want to make a list

I want to list whoever's willing to be named right now.

Kathryn - ageless, inner self helper
Nicky - 25, caretaker
Isis - ageless, watcher, gatekeeper
Kerry - 15 to 17
Crystal - 8
Amber - 8
Renee
Watcher - ageless, gatekeeper
Ciara - 23, manager
Jason - 28, protector, holds rage
Kiara - 8
---------------
We have a bunch of 5-year-olds that are dormant right now
---------------
Two wolves and a litter of pups
---------------
Not many want to be revealed.....
----------------

Oh wow...

I forgot all about this. I guess that's kind of the point of DID....  It's amazing it's still up. So much anger and hate. I'm guessing it's still there, it's just been turned on ourself. We feel like the bastard did win. We finally said no for good -- he was able to use a psychotic break against us. Eight years later, we have an electronic shackle for life, he gets to do whatever the fuck he wants until he dies.

We start blaming each other and pushing each other away after that. Well, the blaming starts after the psychotic break. Three years later, when the parents turn us in, and we lose our whole life, that's when we really start pushing each other away.

We really needed each other. But, we were alone in a completely foreign environment with no idea how to advocate for ourself. We did what we had learned, and coped alone.

I'm zoning out completely, thinking how weird I am. I have held all this in as a deep dark secret IRL for eight years. I stumble on this, probably not-quite-by-accident. Somebody knew about it somewhere. But, I kind of get brain-blasted by my own past. So, I spill my dark secret to the internet because I figure they must know me already. Or something. Like, I've already raged like a wild person, this is nothing. I am so weird.

But...I do have a bit more compassion for myself. For the first time, I'm seeing that I was doing what my life had taught me.

I think I need to process for a bit. It does feel like a knot is unclenching in my heart.