I forgot all about this. I guess that's kind of the point of DID.... It's amazing it's still up. So much anger and hate. I'm guessing it's still there, it's just been turned on ourself. We feel like the bastard did win. We finally said no for good -- he was able to use a psychotic break against us. Eight years later, we have an electronic shackle for life, he gets to do whatever the fuck he wants until he dies.
We start blaming each other and pushing each other away after that. Well, the blaming starts after the psychotic break. Three years later, when the parents turn us in, and we lose our whole life, that's when we really start pushing each other away.
We really needed each other. But, we were alone in a completely foreign environment with no idea how to advocate for ourself. We did what we had learned, and coped alone.
I'm zoning out completely, thinking how weird I am. I have held all this in as a deep dark secret IRL for eight years. I stumble on this, probably not-quite-by-accident. Somebody knew about it somewhere. But, I kind of get brain-blasted by my own past. So, I spill my dark secret to the internet because I figure they must know me already. Or something. Like, I've already raged like a wild person, this is nothing. I am so weird.
But...I do have a bit more compassion for myself. For the first time, I'm seeing that I was doing what my life had taught me.
I think I need to process for a bit. It does feel like a knot is unclenching in my heart.
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