3 nights of muscle relaxers

I've had muscle relaxers after my night meds for 3 nights now. Life is so hard without a happy pill. 🙁

Offline journal

We downloaded an offline journal for work that's more private. We've started using it, and so far, it's going OK. There's a lot of denial going on. But, I'm trying to just gently ignore it. We do feel like more of a system than in the last 8 years. I'm hoping we can continue going this way.

We have an inkling

Well, I met another survivor online. (.........???????...........) Having trouble staying focused. I watched about 10 seconds of a video that she said wasn't for survivors. I cut it off really fast, but something kicked off.

Now not having coherent thought.

What I wanted to talk about was something about programming.

So, how to get past this? She called it scrambling. My thoughts certainly are.

My thoughts about being a felon have been rigid and irrational. That was it. She said programming is rigid and irrational. Nobody can talk you out of it. You can't talk yourself out of it. So, if you can't rationalize with them, you need to get around them. But, how? And, without a decent therapist? She suggested mindfulness. I think we got scared off mindfulness. Like we got scared away from each other. We got scared away from meditation a long time ago. Every meditation attempt ended up with something freaky and out of control happening. Okay, I have to go take my meds, have a smoke, and calm down. And, ask somebody to make sure nothing happens tonight?

Don't know where to go

I have built the basis for our inner world. I don't know what to do next. It seems parts are using it. I don't know how.

I've been losing time, and it's weird. I don't do anything during the day. Why do parts come out?

Smoking again

I'm not exactly proud of it, but I've started smoking a few cigarettes a day. My isolating was getting so bad, I needed an excuse to be around people, and I was always a social smoker. It has helped me get outside, and around people. One thing I didn't count on was we've been using it to cope, too. I just had one of my unbearable moments, and I knew I needed to get out of my head, so I had a smoke. So, it went from unbearable to bad, but it did help. My lungs are protesting, though. And, last night, when I couldn't sleep, I had two cigarettes.

I'm hoping it stays at a couple a day. I like:
-having extra money
-being able to breathe
-not being anxious all the time

[edit: It has helped a tad. Maybe to put a goal on it. When I get comfortable being with people again, I quit.]

Trying something new

We have been afraid to do parts work because we're petrified of being accessed. The last time it happened, it did not go well. Monstrously, to the nth degree.

I feel like none of this real, and I'm making it up. But, my brain is a bit lighter. It is exhausting, so I'm going to try to take it slow.

I'm not sleepy. Stuff has got stirred up, and I'm restless.

Built the start of an inner world

I thought I had started building an inner world 8years ago. But, it never felt solid, and we never used it.
Well, we've been building a basis for an inner world for the last few days. We finished it today. The mind feels much more solid now. Like there's a foundation. A conference room, or even a meeting room, was too triggering for us, so we made a meeting deck, instead. Heck, I say make a meeting tree house, if you have to. Little's could have one, anyway.
Using the meeting deck is going to be harder. Everybody is petrified of communicating with each other. They're also scared of making themselves known.

Besides that, still the same.

mashed potatoes

Well, I did make a few calls today. They were really discouraging, and my therapy session was crap. But, I do have some commitment to the idea. My therapist did give me an idea on where to look for resources in ------. I decided on --------- because she/mom would only help me move if I went there. I so do not want to be closer to her/mom. Big con.

But some pros:
--there's a hospital with a trauma unit in -----
--there are a lot of housing options in a big city
--more mental health agencies, and more treatment centers

I did make some changes yesterday and today. After skipping 3 meals for three days and only eating ramen noodles, I downloaded a calorie counter, so I could eat different food, and log it. And, come out of my room regularly. I quit smoking 3 years ago, and last week I'd started thinking I'd start smoking again. Not a lot. But, I was always a social smoker. Getting out of my room once in a while, interacting with people a little. These aren't really healthy, but neither is isolating to the point of insanity.

I had some blackouts today. They really scare me. Funny. I did work with a DID T for a while, but the skills I learned from her are pretty much gone. I guess I got the message that practicing those skills had dire consequences.

I did take a muscle relaxer at 4 because my day was crap.

I kind of blew over it, but my anorexia kicked on over the weekend.

Mishmash

I'm thinking about changing facilities. I guess the real test is tomorrow, and if I make a phone call or not. I am tired of being depressed and feeling defeated. And, as much as I want other people to do it for me, they're not going to. I am so sick of myself. I said I hated addiction. There's a part of me that doesn't. Well, duh. I'm probably being negligent not finding out who that part is and working with them. Honestly, I don't feel I'm in a safe environment for parts work. I know Jason feels that way. And so we come back around to the issue of moving. There are gigantic thought loops in my brain. And, then I just want to numb out. ACK! I want a smurf hat! 

[ edit: Well, I am not moving. The thought of living closer to my mother made me feel worse. ]

Had a muscle relaxer

My neck was hurting, and so I took one at 4 pm. I took an Ambien a little while ago, and my brain is a  little loose-y. I truly hate insomnia and depression and addiction. I also hate smurf hats. Will I ever have anything interesting to talk about again????????

Gopjt Trazadone.

I got Trazadone to take with Ambien. My brain is wiggling around like jello. I'm feeling stoned. I guess I should just enjoy feeling brain loose-y.

Took a muscle relaxer

I took a muscle relaxer at 2:30 this afternoon. I had a massively bad day. My worker was no help in helping me figure out the rest of my life. I had to go to the court house. I was feeling some pain. So, I took one when I got home. Did some YouTube, did some depressed.

I took my sleeping pill a half hour ago. I feel a little loose-y brain, which is nice.

I see a sleep doctor tomorrow. Hopefully, I can get a new sleeping pill.

No muscle relaxers

It's been a week or so without muscle relaxers. I really hate it. I'm wishing for numbing all the time. I really don't care with what. I can't even re-focus. Or I think I can't. With a felony, my options are limited. I had neurological limits before this. So, I feel as if I have no options. Or, maybe I just have the wrong attitude. But, the professionals I work with are not helping me think outside the box. So, I'm just left to circle the drain. I do feel like I'm just existing until I die and get it over with. I hate my life.

Insomnia, Again

I've been lying here for an hour. I hate just laying here with the racing thoughts. I hate lying here not knowing if I'm going to get sleepy. I'm getting a bit of a buzz now. I'm so tired of my brain. Bold it is my Bambina.

Done visiting with my mom

So, I spent the last 2 days with my mom. I feel a little guilty that I'm so relieved it's over. I wasn't miserable. I tried to be aware, and she was passive aggressive at times, and really subtle at being domineering. But, I really tried to focus on my own attitude. I wasn't happy, and it was difficult to find things to talk about. But, overall, it was okay.

I was actually starting to relax, and somebody came pounding on the door. Wrong door, too. Is God just laughing at me?

I throw pebbles

I'm getting tired, and I feel a little buzz.

Don't know

Errrr......not really coherent.

Face splat.   ----->  But still not asleep!!
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Again.....what???!!! Hmmmmmm. It's been a few days with no muscle relaxer. Should I be worried? Maybe this is a part who comes out right before I fall asleep? I really don't know.

Dissociated

Mom's coming tomorrow. I can feel us going up into our head. Physically, we used to be way up in the head. I can tell over the last few years we've gotten grounded a little bit. I suppose that makes no sense to people who don't experience it. We're feeling a little dismayed at protecting ourselves this much. I hate her for being this way.

Insomnia, three

I hate insomnia!!!!!! I hate it!!!!!!!!! I think my pills are finally kicking in. Pills are always good. 🐭🐶🐩🐱

My mother

Our mother is coming this week for our birthday. All I've been thinking about is when she came last year. And, how much I hated her the whole time. But, loved her, too. Anyway, I blamed myself for how much I hated her and how miserable I was. She wanted me to blame myself.

I went to group today, not therapy. I spoke in general terms to people who really do not understand my relationship with her. But, I think the leader did understand.

I got to thinking that she purposely made me miserable. I don't even know how. She just does. Am I ever going to know how to respond to her when I see her????? I accept that I can never relax around her. But, if she's always going to counter with something totally new...what do I do!!!!!

Argh. I hate that woman.

Jason is triggered

Jason wants to kick someone's ass. There are three people who live here that really do deserve an ass kicking. He wants to protect us. Thank you, Jason, I do appreciate it. I haven't felt triggered like this in a long time. Fear triggers anger. But, fear of what? I'm not a little girl, anymore. But, you know, in this specific situation, I feel like I am. I think people using size as intimidation is what it is. Hmmmmmm. I say this really not meaning to be demeaning... By size I mean fat.
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I'm feeling better. Jason is not as upset. He has protected us in the past. We're grateful he's still here. Thanks, man.
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Fuck man. I am so pissed off. Well not so much at the moment. (pills) I hate the situation we're in. All these fucking people. Unsafe people. How am I supposed to protect if I can't kick ass? Well I kick ass by being scary. Still I can't do my job. I don't know how to tell who's okay, so I tell them to stay away from everyone. Fuck!

Does anyone care?

We feel if there were comments, and that people were judging, we wouldn't be as candid. Yet, we're wondering if anyone cares. So totally dumb. Depression talking, I guess. I do not feel heard IRL. Yet, I work really hard at it. I don't want to be heard. Someone tell me why I do this bizarre shit. I am tired of it, yet I do it. And, I talk in circles when I want to explain it.

[This will push it up to the top. I had comments turned off, and I just turned them on. I think it was what I needed, though!]

No muscle relaxer

Tonight is the first night in 3 years that I haven't had a muscle relaxer. Easing into it with vistaril has helped a lot.

Trigger date

I am afraid of him. I'm afraid he can make my life more miserable than it already is. Damn him. Asshole. Today is a trigger date of something that he did. I'm afraid to say what "it" is. For the last month or so, my depression has gradually gotten worse. This weekend, I was in bed, on YouTube. Hopefully, I can start climbing out of the depression.

He hurt me very bad. Nobody should treat their child like that.