I am frazzled

I am so stressed. I think my strong sense of justice is deeply offended by what's going on in my country. I'm also stalled in my personal healing journey because I don't feel safe. In my own country!!!! Fuck everything. I am so tired.

So much has happened

I have.had so much healing and growth in the last 8 months. I'm pretty sure I have DID/OSSD AND autism. But, I think my parts are energetic and exist in my aura. 

I started seeing an autism specialist in therapy in January of this year. My healing has just leaped forward. It has felt like 5 years since January. I've been figuring out my family dynamics and letting go of anger towards my parents.

It's been awesome.

I did get a formal diagnosis of autism

I was formally diagnosed in August of 2023! Sheesh, I need to update this thing more. I have been learning so much. It is such an incredible journey. I'm feeling really overwhelmed today, and I'm trying to take the time I need to recover and recharge. Regular people just don't understand the time it takes to recover from certain things.

changed URL and title of blog

I changed the URL and title of this blog. I don't know if I can change the bio stuff on the blog. That might have to remain as is. My identity has majorly changed, though. I haven't gotten through my assessment, but I'm 99% sure I'm autistic. 

Wow, making a second post this year

I think I have autism. I know I've said it before, but I'm pretty sure now. I have an assessment appointment in a week. I've started stimming pretty much all day, because my situation is such that I have that much free time. I love it! My back, neck and shoulders are not as tense. I'm going to keep the previous entries in this blog. I may not be a system, as I thought, but it's my life journey. I can't erase it from happening. 

We came upon an inner world chat app!

It's called Antar. Kathryn, our ISH, is very excited. She's wanted us to communicate for a long time now. So far, we've only communicated while intoxicated. There is nervousness.

I may have autism and DID.

I'm in the middle of an autism assessment. It may be that I have autism and DID. I have a lot going on right now. Thinking about going no contact with my family of origin.

Can't sleep

I just broke up with my boyfriend.  He had a problem with me setting boundaries and saying no. So, I don't feel bad about it. I know I did the right thing for me. But, I can't sleep. I wish anxiety wasn't an issue for me. I wish my sleeping pill was stronger than the anxiety. 

I have bank accounts open now that I don't know what to do with. The money was supposed to be used for moving out with him. I'm glad this happened, and I didn't move in with him. 

Can't make changes to the look of this blog

I've had this blog for a hella long time. It seems I can't make changes to the look of it to reflect my changes in mood and attitude. I can change the username, but that seems like an invalidation of who I used to be. My inner self used to be crushingly depressing. Now, I'm just partially depressed. I would like to make it brighter, though, to reflect of my more positive mood.

Jeezly wow...

I haven't posted in soooo long. I kinda forgot about this blog. I've done a ton of autism research, and it fits me more than anything else ever has. Even DID. I probably am dissociative, given the house I grew up in, but I don't know about alters. I don't know if I ever did know. I was calling every strange thought I had an alter. I've begun to accept that I'm just strange. 

Beginning to figure yourself out at 45 is not fun. I guess some people never do. Still, it makes me wonder, what was the first part of my life for, if I truly never knew myself.

Been doing autism research

Hrrmmm. I don't know what got me started thinking autism might be my neurological problem. But, it's been in the last 6 months. Well, a month ago, I really started researching it. It fits me so much. All the things about me that aren't "normal", in my head I compartmentalized as an alter. And, so, not me. But, I'm beginning to see it was me all along.

Am I in denial? Probably. I do know I'd rather be autistic than multiple. My parents are still narcissists, and they were still abusive. I've been reminding myself of that a lot.
My dad still could've been sexually abusive, but I really don't want to believe that. I actually have no memory of it.

So, I'm going to get a referral next week. And, then it will be more waiting.

Tired

I want to hurt myself. Funny how my mood went from "okay" to "crushingly depressed" in 15 mins. I was reminded of how different I am from everybody, til forever. I don't want to live that way. That's no way TO live. Why can't I just die? Nobody important will miss me. I'm so so tired. I just want to be done with it. WHY DID THEY GIVE ME LIFE PUNISHMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So, why can't I choose to end my life. Get the fucker over with. Why do I have to prolong this torture?!?!?!?!?!

This really isn't helping. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Asking why why why does not help, yet it's all I can do. I've told my story so many times. People just say live with it. Except I can't. I'd rather die than live with it.
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So, I just talked to someone IRL. I don't feel great, but I can hang on til tomorrow. Tomorrow is anothah day! Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.

Feel like a yo-yo

We read through our digital journal, and wow, we have made so much progress. There are days when I'm depressed, and feel I haven't moved at all. Then there are days when I feel okay. But, going through the whole thing made me realize how awesome it's been. I've done it twice; the encouragement made me feel so much better.

We're just starting to scrape the surface of our programming. But, it seems to be true, your system will let you know what your next step is. Maybe I'm just talking out of my ass here. But, it just occurred to me that it seems easier without a therapist. In some ways. I'm just a part saying my piece. But, it's nice going at your own pace. And, having your inner wisdom tell you where to go next.

That's fair enough. To others of us, we like someone else guiding us.

Well, get over it.

I will! Lmao

Toooooo funny for non-DID people.
Now that I'm done arguing with myself.......
I'm outta here!!!!!!

Starting on programming. I think.

It's strange to us that it would seem so mundane. What's come up first are things like self-sabotaging. I supose it makes sense. If it was way creepier, we would just shut it down.

We had a recent sleep study, and that was very specific and creepy. The wires on our face and over our ears felt like straps, and it was so horrible. We didn't know what, where, or when. We would have preferred that, actually. Having just a body memory with no other information to go with it was so bad. We had a night terror that night. So, trying to be a grownup, and forcing myself to endure it didn't do any good. Well, I feel I did it for nothing because I didn't get anything helpful from going through it.

Haven't updated in a while

We got to a point where we were able to admit we were only dialoguing and blogging after we had taken our night pills. So, we have started talking to each other during the day and sober. Maybe it would be obvious. But. We were taught to fear and mistrust each other. It really is weird giving voice to thoughts that are not your own.

Mentioned meeting a survivor

Not that anyone cares, really. But, in one of my entries I mentined meeting a survivor, and my thinking was obviously buggered up. That person was a YouTuber, and I emailed them a few times. I did catch myself and stopped it. I hate it when programming makes you do something before you can stop it. I really don't know if this person is bogus, but I started to get that feeling.

bleh

I am having a crappy week, and it's only Tuesday (night). At least, when I wake up, the week will be half over.

It's not me that's upset. I think. On Monday, our feelings were hurt, we missed therapy, we weren't able to go to the store, and we felt nobody cared. Somebody got sulky and resentful. I guess a teen reaction.

We appreciate that you're here. Welcome. 😎  [was meant for a new part, but I think it's an old part]

Yeah, my........i lost it.
My pills are kiiiiiickiiiiilngINNNNN
Let's talk again soon.

Insomniac part

[erased or left blank]

...

We are flummoxed. After some inner work, our fronter from 8 years ago has surfaced. We've always wondered what happened to our main fronter when a new one is created. We didn't know if they remained an individual, or like clumped into a ball with the ones before. We're not sure at all what to do. There is a reason for it, I wish I knew what it was. Compared to the last several years, our head is quiet. But, I can feel stuff going on behind walls. There's still something there. I just hope they give me a little rest. I have taken my pills, and I cannot wait to sleeeep!

Land of a 1000 Dances

Well, we've been doing a lot of work on our digital journal. A lot of parts work. Today, we found the part who had the repetitive thought loop for the last few years. We asked him to put it away, and he did. The head is so much quieter, the body is more relaxed, and we are less depressed than we were. I am so tired, though.

We've been doing an awful lot of whining the last few months. I was aware of that. We were also doing it IRL. I'm hoping that it will lessen.

My head hurts. There's also mumbling going on, so hopefully, we can handle it okay.