tired and finding humor this morning

[originally posted in 2010]

I was just reading a post somebody made on a board we're on.  We don't want to make light of the way any survivor grew up.  I'm sure it was humiliating for them.  Our upbringing was humiliating for us.  I wouldn't want someone poking fun at my childhood...

[edit: I found the imagery of an abuser doing something embarrassing really funny.]

[edit: I took a few sentences out. 7/22/18]

--
"Everything I do is better than the things I haven't done."  --Nicholas Brendon

Roxanna's memory

We have a part named Roxanna.  She, along with several other parts, were biologically alive, but otherwise they had given up in mind and spirit.  That rat-faced dickhead ass-munch traumatized these parts SO much that they had given up. 

Try to imagine if all the rest of us had given up, and you'll come close to the RAGE that we felt/feel.  The incredible despair, grief, and aching loneliness, as well.

Roxanna's story....
It was summertime.  We were 9 years old.  We were playing in our room.  He burst into our room, raging mad.  Maybe Roxanna was the part who had been dealing with the rapes, at that point.  We're not sure, but she did say it happened to her before.  Roxanna said he wasn't angry at anything to do with us.  He told her to take her clothes off and get on the bed.  The bed was on the west wall. 

The bastard raped Roxanna over and over and over and over and over.  Without stopping.  WITHOUT STOPPING!!!!!! 

DO YOU HEAR THAT???!!!!

WITHOUT STOPPING!!!!

She eventually couldn't take it anymore, and just went catatonic.

Luckily, our therapist (TK), does have a method for learning the stories of extremely wounded ones, healing and restoring them.

Roxanna is now with the other kids, that we know, in the system.  She's able to play, color, sleep, do anything she wants.

Fuckface.

response to mem we had on June 7

We got a horrible memory Monday... Not RA, but the father was so so so violent with one of us. She had given up in mind and body. And, there are others of us who have given up that way. Our T has a way for us to learn their stories and heal them....restore them.

The rage, the sadness, the aching hurt that came up. God, it's soooooo awful!!!! Horrible, terrifying; pick a word...I don't have a word bad enough. 

We wanted to hurt us so much....because we wanted to hurt HIM; and we knew we couldn't. The only person available to hurt was us. But then, one of us had the idea of using a doll to represent the dad, and we would use pins to hurt the doll -- thus, hurt the dad.
We did that tonite (June 9).

WE HURT THE DAD!!!!!!!!!

Oh, man. The sweet satisfaction of finally hurting that son of a bitch. We loved every minute of it.

If he hurt at all while we were doing it, we're not going to cry about it.

That was a few hours ago, and we're still jazzed. We've got a lot of energy.

We probably shouldn't have done it right before bed.  But, we started it, left it; and we were afraid we would never finish it, so we worked on it before bed.

We're not saying at all that we recommend this to anyone. It just worked for us.

Ahhhrnold S. is such a dork!!!!!!!

[originally posted in 2010

I was kind of neutral about him as a politician. I thought it was a dumb ass move because he will forever be Conan the Barbarian. Who could take him seriously?? I guess that's why I thought it was so funny. 7/18]

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!

"I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman"!!!!!  I wonder if he was even THINKING when he said that!!!!!!!

ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL
LMAO LMAO LMAO LMAO LMAO

That bastard will not win

We've found more and more alters who were loyal to the father.  They felt really bad about what was happening.  Most of them were terrified of him.  Some of them were created to have the hope he would eventually love them/us.  --It was the only way we could live in the same house with that man.-- 

We went to a survivor's support group on June 1.  I'm sure the fact that the first meeting was on a 1st was no accident.  Gives us hope that we WILL overcome the bastard. 

Yesterday, we discovered several parts who were "broken" by him.  Emotionally and spiritually.  I think that's also a reason we were struggling with saying no to him. 
They didn't even have despair....it was much worse and deeper than that.  But, if only to put a word on it.....their despair, unconsciously, affected the rest of us.  It was like, "Why freaking bother if he's THAT BAD????" 

But, we've taken them back.  We've taken our own back.  And, whatever else is in there that we don't know about, yet.  We will take THEM back, as well. 

YOU GODDAMN FUCKFACE!!!!  YOU WILL NOT BEAT US!!!!  YOU WILL NOT WIN!!!!

--
"Everything I do is better than the things I haven't done."  --Nicholas Brendon

confusion, fear, and upheaval the last week

Believe in yourselves, F. Your littles wouldn't ask for anything you can't handle. They really wouldn't.

5-20-10

We've come to a new level of T today.

Our T doesn't know that cults try to contact people through phone calls. (She does, actually.)

We got three phone calls from a # in FL this morning....all before noon.  We answered the second one, and the caller hung up.  The same # called again just a little while ago.

Three phone calls a day is considered harassment, even though we no one in F:L.  So, we did report it to the police officer we worked with before.  In fact, we saw her just yesterday because we had to report another incident.

The officer called our T, our T called us, and said we were being paranoid.
We HAVEN'T told her about all the wrong-number calls we've gotten in the last two months, both in and out of state.  Even though they made us uneasy.
One woman left a message saying, "I'm so-and-so's teacher, this is my cell #."  We started thinking, "We better call her back and tell her she had the wrong #."  Then, somebody went, "Wait a minute, why do we want to do that?  People don't DO that for wrong #s."  And, we erased the message.
We didn't tell our T about that, either.

SHE JUST DOESN'T KNOW!!!

We're extremely hurt that she called us paranoid.  She keeps saying we need to keep ourselves safe.  We get technically harassing calls, and she says it's paranoia.  WTF?????

Yesterday, we reported to the police that the father raped us on May 9. Even though the parents won't be notified of it.

Beeped T.
She just called back. Talked straight with her. Cult alters had talked to her in previous sessions, but were elusive. She thought cult abuse was over. So, she no longer thinks we're paranoid. Feel better.



She did say RA alters have to be straight with her from now on. So she can be able to help. She isn't going to give up on us.


--------------------------

5-26-10

Yesterday, a RA alter, Galen, shared one of her memories.  She was the one who was initiated into the cult.  We were 2. 

She says that an alter before her had endured full intercourse, at age 2.  She said that that alter had died, but the body, at a physical-level, was still alive.  Which enable her to come into being. 


She was lying on her right side on a stone table, and someone behind her was hitting her left side with something, she doesn't know what.  (Maybe they were trying to revive the body.)  While she was waking up, the father gave her a gold star, and put it on the back of her hand.  He told her she was a gold star.  And, gold stars were important; gold stars knew important secrets.  Gold stars were special.  Blah blah blah.

(I know it's important what he said.....I am just SO mad!!!!)  (His own fuckin DAUGHTER!!!!  When she was 2!!!!!)

HE'S SUCH A FUCK FACE!!!!!!

----------------------------

5-26-10

FUCK THAT ASSHOLE!!!!!  FUCK HIM IN THE HEAD AND LET HIM ROT IN HELL!!!!!  HE NEEDS TO BURN IN HELL FOREVER AND FOREVER AND HAVE HIS PRECIOUS FLY FISH HOOKS STUCK ALL OVER HIS BODY AND THEY NEVER COME OUT!!!!!!!  AND HE BLEEDS AND BLEEDS AND BLEEDS AND BLEEDS AND BLEEDS!!!!!!!!!  AND BECAUSE IT'S HELL HE'S BURNING AT THE SAME TIME AND IT GOES ON FOREVER!!!!!!!!   FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK 

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

I HAAAAAAAAAAAATE HIIIIIIIIIIM!!!!!!!!!!!  HE'S A FUCKING ASSHOLE FROM SWAMPLAND!!!!!!!!!

I HOPE HE STUBS HIS BIG TOE, AND IT SWELLS UP AND HURTS AND ALWAYS STAYS THAT WAY!!!!!!!!!!!

I HOPE HE CUTS MORE THAN THE tip OF HIS THUMB OFF, I HOPE HE CUTS HIS whole THUMB OFF!!!!!! 

WE HATE THAT BASTARD SOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!

there's not enough rant to express our MAD right now.  UGH

------------------------------

5-28-10

This post has a bunch of stuff in it...but, it's late, so....  *shrug*
An RA alter, Galen - girl, still thought we were 17, and thought her abuse was still going on.  She talked to T yesterday about getting into now time.  ack.  That's all that I can say right now....

 

Our precious baby girl

As of June 10, 2010, it's been 8 years, 3 months, 3 weeks, and 2 days since Renee took the experience of the abortion for us.


Thank you, Renee.  You are so important to us.

 

Origin of a very common phrase

Acting Out.

We probably all have heard this, and hate it.
But, here is where the phrase comes from.
Freud said it first, and what he meant it to mean was:

"...showing in actions something that couldn't be said in words."

And, isn't that what we're doing when we're "acting out"?  We're trying to say something that we don't have words for.

Recently, when one of us wants to "act out", we ask them what they're feeling and why they're wanting to do what they want to do.  We have figured out for ourselves that our "dysfunctional" behavior is meant to express feelings that are squashed inside.

article on flashbacks

"...during the trauma, I perceived the event in a dissociated state. I stored the memory in unconnected fragments, and when it surfaces, it comes back in fragments. So each little weird snippet is the memory of a small part of something I experienced years ago."


This validates our experience of flashbacks.  Memories come back in small snippets; pieces.  We don't get the whole thing at once.  It's frustrating as hell.

The article can be found here:
http://www.survivorship.org/resources/articles/psychology.html

re: personal safety

Some good ideas on safety:

Phone:
--leave the phone on, turn the ringer off, and let voice mail answer

Car:
--if afraid you're being followed;
      1. make four right turns, and if you are followed...
      2. go to the police station
             A.  PARK ILLEGALLY
             B.  stay in the car and WAIT for an officer

Document harassment.
Who, where, when, if anyone witnessed it
keep copies of documentation in T files, attorney's files, safe deposit box

I wrote this down for myself as well as providing info for others.

My father was fascinated with Nazi Germany

--added text
--main text
I'm not sure what this means, but some things in this article resonated with me/us.  I know my father was interested in Nazi Germany because he had several books on the subject. 

Nazi Triggers and Dates



Survivorship, Vol. 10 No. 3, Winter, 2000.


Nazi ideology is a component of many abusive belief systems. It can be difficult to identify at first because many of the trigger symbols and dates are similar to ones used in other groups, including satanist, Christian, and pagan groups and people involved in practicing different forms of "magic."


The Nazi party was formed in the early 1900's, but its roots go back much further. Adolph Hitler, the man who guided Nazism into power, had a deep fascination with the paranormal, ancient beliefs and religions, and any practice that could bring him power. He borrowed symbology from ancient Norse and Germanic cultures, from alchemy, from various mystic ideologies, and from his country's history. He vilified anyone he believed opposed him or might oppose him and decreed that their symbols be banned. Survivors thus end up triggered both by symbols of the Nazis and by symbols of other peoples or groups that the Nazis opposed.


Specific Dates
Most of the trigger dates for survivors of Nazi-based abuse correspond to dates important in World War II history -- births and deaths of Nazi leaders, important battles won or lost, political happenings, etc. Other dates were chosen by Hitler himself. Hitler wished to eradicate any public religious observances or holidays and to replace them with a winter and summer holiday and lesser spring and fall holidays corresponding to the equinoxes and solstices.


Individual groups may celebrate certain dates more strongly than other ones and may also add in their own dates, such as the leader's birthday, the date of the founding of the group, the death of an important member, etc.


The basic Nazi Calendar is as follows:


February 14 (may be 15 or 16): I am not sure of the reason behind this one, but some Nazi-programmed survivors report being very triggered on this day.

I'm leaving this one in because early Feb. of 2007 is when we went "psychotic", and went to Missouri and met a woman who said she was a cult survivor.

June 6: D-Day. Any Allied victory/Nazi defeat in World War II is used as a day to renew loyalty to the Nazi cause. Nazi youth are given various trials and punishments designed to make them stronger, and people the Nazis perceive as the enemy are punished. The particular dates emphasized vary from group to group.

I don't know why this date resonates.  But, it does.

Early August through October: Various preparations are done in readiness for October, the month with the largest number of celebrated dates.

For the last several years, we've gotten triggered in August through New Year's.


October 31 and November 1: All Souls' Day and All Saints' Day, thought to be significant in some esoteric traditions.

Halloween has been difficult for several years.

Dates with repeating numbers were very important to the Nazis. For example, 08-08 (August 8); 09-09 (September 9); 8-8-88 is even more important because the year follows the pattern.

We DO notice when a date has repeating numbers.  It's significant to us for some reason.

Symbols and Imagery


The lightening bolt or runic S: This symbol was used by Nazi soldiers and by the secret police. Originally, it stood for the letter "S" in an old Germanic alphabet. It looks very much like a lightening bolt, and some Nazi groups use this similarity as a mnemonic in programming, associating the symbol with programming techniques such as electroshock.

One of our alters expresses herself through pictures of lightning.

The eagle: Eagles are also common in Nazi military decorations and have a similar history to oak leaves.

We do think the eagle is a symbol of bravery and freedom.  We think eagles are strong and magnificant.  We assumed it was because the eagle is an American symbol.

Broken glass: On the night of November 9, 1938, Nazi troops broke into the homes and businesses of all the Jews they could find, destroying, killing, looting, and breaking things. The next morning there was so much broken glass on the streets that the people called the night Krystalnacht, or "Night of Broken Glass." Later Nazi training has used this image as a symbol for destroying anything they consider "bad." People being trained in Nazi groups are programmed to punish themselves by jumping through windows or running head first into plate glass doors if they do or consider doing something against their programming. The sight of cracked or smashed glass can trigger self destruct or obedience programs.

Some of the background pics we've downloaded look like broken glass.  Don't know if that means anything.

Roses: During World War II, there was a resistance organization in Germany known as the White Rose. The Nazis very much wanted to destroy the organization and anyone in it. In representation of this, roses have developed great meaning in Nazi groups. A white rose is a symbol of a traitor or a problem. Blood falling onto a white rose, a red rose, or blood dripping from the thorns of a rose are symbols for destroying the problem. A purple rose is a symbol of death and mourning. A black rose is a symbol of things being all right.

We have a lot of downloaded pics of roses.

Spider webs: The spider web is used in programming as a symbol of a trap. It is sometimes used in conjunction with broken glass programming.

We've downloaded a few pics of spider webs.


We don't know if any of this means anything, but it's interesting.

The full article can be found here:  http://www.survivorship.org/resources/articles/nazi.html

Quote

"success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles one has overcome while trying to succeed."  
----Booker T. Washington

FUCK YOU MOM AND DAD!!!! FUCK YOU!!!!  FUCK YOU!!!!
WE'RE TRYING TO OVERCOME YOUR SHIT!!!!!  YOU WILL NOT WIN, YOU FUCKERS!!!!!!!

Dealing with Fear

We're reading an article on facing and dealing with fear.  Fear/terror is a HUGE issue for us. 

One suggestion is to picture the fear as a cement wall.  And, taking the wall down piece by piece.

The other is to use dolls (from thrift stores), to represent different aspects of your fears.
I was thinking one could also use dolls to represent alters/parts of yourself.

Tired/Sleep/Dreams

We are so tired.  We just woke up from a nap, and we feel unrested and cranky.  What are our nightmares that have plagued us for so long?  We remember the nightmares we had as a kid.  There was one of climbing a high tower of some type. The types of stairs/steps changed the higher I went.  Another was of being in a small trailer, and somebody was outside coming to get me.  I was frantically closing windows and doors.  The same nightmares over and over.  We had night terrors continuously, as a kid.  Mom knew I had them, but she never asked why I had them, or what bothered me.  Bitch.  Bitch bitch bitch.

GODDAMN FUCKING BITCH!!!!!!!--
"Everything I do is better than the things I haven't done."  --Nicholas Brendon

first post

Our therapist (T) has told our RA alters that they have to start being honest with her about the abuse they're going through.
They're feeling very threatened.
One of them made a collage at our request.  It shows that the RA started when we were an infant, that drugs and alcohol were used, and our father had a major role in it.
Other than that, we're not sure of much.